Morecambe: The Desolete, Hellish Wasteland for all the Family!!!

Morecambe should hire me to make up slogans for them. Well... maybe they shouldn't. I would, afterall, just make up deliberately terrible slogans: "Morecambe: "The Most Dangerous Place in Britain" says Alan Titchmarsh", and "Morecambe: Blah Blah Blah, Whatever, Its Shit".

In other news, I went to Morecambe today. And it was crappy. Again. Although, I probably will take that back if I ever go there during the summer, seaside towns are really only to be enjoyed during the summer. However, I had a very specific reason to be there. A lea-flette told me that Marcus Brigstocke would be performing his comedic stylings - but, upon arriving at the Morecambe Platform, a man with weird teeth and a respectful demeanour told me that the show had been postponed untill the 25th January. Marcus Brigstocke, you lazy southern ponce!

Speaking of ponciness, I was actually fairly sure he was a gaymosexual, 'cos of this one time I saw him presenting some kind of Gay Comedy Award thingie... but nope, turns out he's as straight as a father of two. But yeah, the basic point of this portion of the blog is to ask whether any of you loyal readers want to trek up to see me around the Janule-tide season and witness such a comedic showcase with me. It'll be fun and cold, and fun, and wet, and fun, and miserable!

In other other news, it turns out that there is no such band as "Andy and the Ampersands". I find that really hard to believe, considering how brilliant and amazing a name that is... So, if anyone's going to start a band, you can have that name, SO LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO BE GOOD! I hate it when good band names are taken up by terrible bands.

Bye scamps and scampettes!

If I could go back in time and change one thing...

It would be the fate of the European Broadcating Union.

The EBU was founded with spectacular dreams, of being a pan-European television network. A network that supported the independent productions of all its constituent networks, (i.e. the networks of all the constituent EC member states), and presented them within a single unit that the entire European community could enjoy.

Its primary attempt at creating a pan-European television network was Eurovision, yes, that Eurovision. However, this was the '50s, and most states in Europe, and elsewhere, believed that broadcasting was a national resource, and not something to be controlled by an extranational force - and so the EBU's attempts at creating a de facto cultural European Union were quashed. It continued to operate as a medium of inter-European network cooperation, but its time as an independent broadcaster was never to come.

Now, I'm not saying I don't enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest... okay, yes I am, I am saying I don't enjoy the Eurovision Song Contest. But what I am saying is that it could have been so much more, imagine a television channel, establised from the 1950s onward, dedicated to broadcasting the best in broadcasting from throughout Western Europe - we would, by this time, be so much more culturally competent, the arts of our nearest European nations would not be lost to us, they would be available instantly.

However, it is not the spread of the High Arts that would be most influential. Imagine a Britain that had grown up on the Soap Operas of mainland Europe from the 1960s onward, (overlayed with a subtle dub, but with the reality of a European origin always evident), French, or German, or Austrian, or Italian celebrities would be easily recognisible on the streets of any English town.

If this isn't a shared culture, I don't know what is...

Honestly, I must say, as a Eurofederalist, that this would be my wet-dream. I have always hoped that Europe would consider itself a united culture, (which, I, at least, feel it is, but, acknowledge, that others may not), and would bring us closer to ever greater union.

This isn't saying that the Eurovision Song Contest mightn't exist, indeed, maybe we would even do better!

Plans for the Future...

Recently, Alex Salmond, King of the Picts, declared to his rabblous hoarde that Scotland would be independent by 2017. He has said such things before, usually in the form of whimsical rhymes, i.e. "Free by '93" and "In heaven by 2007". I personally think he could have forced a rhyme out of this one... "Independeen by 2017" maybe? I don't know, maybe he could claim 'independeen' is Scots for 'independence', I'm sure some people would believe him. Sean Connery would probably believe him, the snivelling cunt...

Anyway, I digress. The point is, I think Salmond may have a point this time... Scotland may actually pull the plug on the Act of Union this time! And this is quite worrysome for me, because I quite like the Union, I think it works, and that the various nations of Britain compliment each other in a way that brings out the best in each other, and, more importantly, suppresses the worst in each other. For instance, most English people are twats, snivelly little NIMBYist morons who read the Daily Mail and view Gypsies and Pakistanis as the cause of all life's problems, without the Scots and the Welsh around to send a (disproportionately large) number of representatives to Parliament, the country would probably be a much worse place to live. Of course, this isn't to say that our Celtic Compatriots aren't also twats, but they are twats in a different way, in a way that, if I may be so bold, John Bull can help them with.

So yeah, I think I've come to a realisation. That if worse comes to worst, and the UK splits up, I think I would consider renouncing my citizenship. Because I have absolutely no interest in living in a state exclusively run by Englishmen... Seriously. It'd be like 1984-meets-Jane Austen.

However, I don't want to become stateless, statelessness isn't the way to go. If I were stateless, who would protect me from the Hobbesian State of Nature? HMM!? WHO!? Ahem, no, I'd need to apply for citizenship from somewhere else. France is one possibility. I've always considered myself as being somewhat Gallic, I mean, I don't speak French with any degree of competence, but that can be remedied. But I do think my fundamental vision of society and culture is much more in line with the French model than any kind of English model. I mean, I think corruption is broadly acceptable in almost all levels of government, I like food and shouting, I think the lack of a single English word translatable from 'viver' is bemoanable, etc. etc.

But I think I may be missing a trick here. I mean, what is it that I want to do with my life? Some among you may recall that I wish to be a diplomat. And what is it that a recently independent nation needs to do? Send diplomatic missions to all other independent nations! If Scotland becomes independent they will very quickly need to establish and staff embassies all over the world, and, an individual, conveniently placed, could well jump aboard that bandwagon for his own personal and professional gain! But then... do I have it in me to do that? Do jump ship and throw my lot in with a group that has just recently ripped apart my country for my own selfish purposes?

Yeah of course I do! Hmm... yeah, I'm liking this idea. Thomas O'Dare (I may aswell readopt the Irish, much-cooler version of my surname while I'm at it!), Ambassador of the Republic of Scotland... Bonnie.

Luckily, I should be able to convince any future Scottish Foreign Office of my viability as a representative of their state, for I know the answer to the Scottish Shibboleth! The key to convincing any Scot that you are one of them! If they ask, "do ye know Angus McCloud?" I shall reply, "yes". Not 'aye', that'll just give it away that you're trying to be more Scottish than you actually are.

Everyone knows that.

Good Things

A good thing about this year, as opposed to last year, is that I have almost unfettered access to a television. This is good, because I really enjoy television. Often I will sat around in the living room, watching television, thinking 'oh boy, I sure do enjoy television'. Which is good because with no internet at home, and no friends or anything to do stuff with during evenings, I would surely be bored out of my skull without it. So there we go, there is a good thing. Ta da.

Oh wait, the title is a plural... I need another good thing... umm... err... s-s-soup?

Cuntchester

I have decided to make some lifestyle changes.

Firstly, I've decided to abstain from alcohol for a while. Its recently occurred to me that I've never actually been on one of those "I'm never going to drink again!"-stretches, so I thought, 'well Tom, you probably spend way too much money on booze as it is, and its the casual drinking that gets you dependent'... et cetera, so yeah, I'm putting a lid on that for about a month or so. Cheers.

Another thing, I've started reducing the amount I eat as well. I've started keeping myself well-stocked with chewing gum, so that whenever I feel like eating, I'll just chew some gum and bypass that urge, (dropping the booze is partly to help with this, because Drink makes it a lot harder to not eat crap). So there's that aswell.

It'd be good to start exercising more... but, meh, I find exercise intensely uncomfortable. Also my leg has started going all spazzy, which is probably something to do with either stress, malnutrition, excessive alcohol, all of the above.

Blah blah blah.

Also, did anyone watch the new Boosh last night? It was pretty great.

And now for fun, I propose that everyone prefixes any comment to this entry with a fictional town name containing a swearword (i.e. Cuntchester).

This entry is kinda like an invitation...

Hey losers. So, the gears of fate are in motion, and it has come into fruition. I'm coming back down to Brum on the 22nd, and I'd like to invite some of you to hang out with me at my home.

However, this shan't just be any old out-hanging. No sir. What I have come into possession of is the box set of Lost Series 3, and I know for a fact that when I get home I'm going to want to sit and watch all 15 hours of it, the question is: WHO WILL JOIN ME!?

So yeah, I'm thinking we'll start this early on on Friday 23rd, and carry on deep into the night, get some take-aways, drink some tea, maybe nap for a few hours, and then carry on watching our eyes out.

Okay, so, yeah, resvip if you dare!

EDIT, SCHMEDIT!!!

This doodah is now happening on the 24th. GET USED TO IT!

This post is the 26th...

I had a really good lecture yesterday. It was about Francis Fukuyama. Fukuyama has one of those arguments that a lot of people know the jist of, (all history is the struggle of opposing ideas > the ideas that emerge following the struggle are always better than the original ideas before the struggle > today, there is no set of (universal) ideas that can challenge Western Liberal Democracy > therefore, Western Liberal Democracy is the perfect idea, and all societies in the world shall transitition into it until > we reach the End of History). But its actually a lot more nuanced than that.

Fukuyama's argument is often used as a strawman, people hear that he is a self-confessed Neo-Conservative and instantly assume that his End of History-talk is nothing but Yankee bragging, saying to the world 'look, Every-Opposing-Idea! We whooped your ass!' Not so. Fukuyama himself is quite pessimistic about the oncoming era of post-history, he says that while events will continue to happen, they will become increasingly trivialised, and as will our reaction to them, for instance, think back to see if you can remember any of the faces on the people killed two years ago on 7th July... now see if you can remember the face of Madeleine McCann... indeed, challenge yourself to forget the face of Madeleine McCann, you probably never will. Fukuyama predicts that one by one the people in this world who actually give a shit about anything will drop dead, and we'll live in a world of uniform ideology and maddening triviality, he nearly jokes at the end of his argument that World War Three will probably be caused by Boredom.

However, I think there is one major flaw in this prediction. Basically, the view of history Fukuyama uses is borrowed from Friedrich Hegel. Hegel came up with the idea of history as a dialectic between competing ideas, (that the industrial revolution was in effect the idea-set of rural-based feudalism being challenged by the idea-set of urban-based capitalism, for instance), but, he said, it wasn't a case that there was ever an idea that completely won, whenever one set of ideas competes with another it can't help but absorb the best bits from the defeated idea, (kinda like Highlander... or maybe Pokémon...), and so new ideas were always syntheses of old, dominant ideas, and newer, dissenting ideas.

Except in the case of Prussia, Hegel said Prussianly. Or 'Hegel Prussianed', if you prefer. Hegel said that the ideology of the Kingdom of Prussia had borrowed from the best bits of German Oligarchism and French Radical Republicanism, and had in fact become the perfect ideology, through which all men could know freedom, if they only embraced it. He, like Fukuyama a century later, had decided that his system had acheived perfection - and that the End of History had occurred... in 1850... Of course, Prussian ideas subsided into the ideology of pan-Germanism, which in turn was overthrown, and had its tennets incorporated into Weimar Republicanism, which was then absorbed into a breed of Genocidal Fascism, which was then challenged and defeated on either side by Internationalist Capitalism and Stalinist Socialism, which then wriggled and jiggled and squiggled and came out eventually as Modern Germany, a state with an ideology that still somewhat resembles what Hegel described at the ultimate ideology, but that also contained scores of other ideas... so, Hegel, remember what they say about the counting of unhatched chickens.

But if Fukuyama is as wrong as Hegel, where does that leave us? Does it mean that we too are destined to eventually embrace a synthesis of our own ideology, and those ideologies that oppose and despise us? What on Earth could the West have to learn from the al-Qaedas of the world!? But then... Hegel probably thought much the same thing...

Al-Qaeda aside, there are many other forces in this world that are constructively anti-Western. Perhaps what we have to learn from those who oppose us is... well, opposition. Westerners have become what Nietzsche described as the Letztemanns, the Last Men, beings concerned with nothing but their own immediate desires, heartless and passionless, a race destined to either whither away into nothingness or else be devoured by the Supermen.

I would argue that there are Supermen in this world. And they live in the South and in the East, in the regions of the world were globalisation and capitalism have not yet created a prosperity stable enough to allow people to grow soft and apathetic. In the worst places in the world hide people who care enough about things to die for them, and to kill for them.

And thus, Tom unvails his master-argument in favour of large-scale immigration: the West NEEDS to be challenged. Not just on the international, high-political stage, (most people on the street couldn't give a shit about that), no, to really rekindle the fire of hatred (constructive hatred, that is) in people's hearts, the challenge must be in our faces all the time. Now, I'm NOT saying every hateful fanatic in the world is a decent person, on the contrary, most of them are fairly monstrous people, but they have what we need. The West, in my view, stands at a crossroads, on one side, there is the path of the Letztemanns, the path to boredom, apathy, and an ignomious demise, on the other side, is the rocky path of rebirth, the path where we fully embrace those who hate us, learn to hate them back and ultimately pull ourselves back up into real life!

Y'know what's a good verb?

'Frequent'. 'Frequent' is a brilliant verb. It means, 'to go to/attend (somewhere) frequently', and from that meaning, all it does it takes the adverb and contract it down into verb form, in terms of sheer economy of language, that's a masterstroke. It kind of makes me wish more adverbs could be transformed into verbs, like, instead of 'I did the dishes competently', you could say, 'I competented the dishes', or, instead of 'I made love passionately', you could say, 'I passionated the love'. AND SO ON!